boredness

I'm bored...bored and tired...
and freaked out
had my stitches removed, all is healing well cept my belly button...which is gross and just, not my belly button anymore..

I'm tired, I NEED to go for a walk, on my own, just to be on my own without people walking in my room all the time 4 a chat when im doing something or when im on my phone or when i just want some alone time!!
and they dont understand....

i love my family but i miss my friends soooo sooo sooo badly....it really does quite suck really....

sooo another bad and strange day....

Ok so i woke up this morning, and i realised im really not having the time of my life atm...

I duno what else to say really....
I wish things were different really, I'm happy cos my operation went really well and it was really worth it, i just dont have the patience to sit here n do nothing except recover

I want to get dressed in my favourite clothes and do my hair and make up and put on my wellingtons and go splash in puddles...

i dunno i just want OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

I dunno, i wasnt meant to be locked up inside like a caged bird cos im...not....

its not so bad, i get to go out tommorw....to get my stitches removed.....
oh yay.... (that was sarcasm)

and i dont want to be upset cos i am deep down really happy cos im better, just recovering from the op...but i cant be happy when i feel like everythings on hold....

and i just want to cuddle up and stay in bed and watch the sun go across the sky

Post-op.....

So, I had my operation last thursday.....and thing are really strange/crap/long/upsetting since...

It was pretty painful...still is...I'm abit tender and bruised...and I feel so lonely and isolated cos I cant go out and my favourite people in the whole entire universe are either abroad or are in a house with ill people and babies....and I miss them....and it hurts....

yer, I've just had a really bad day....

I've never really been a big fan of christmas anyway, well ever since I was about 13 which is a long time....
there have always been bad things happen around christmas and this year I can do anything....
I couldnt even finish my christmas dinner 'eat little but often' and now ive got lumps and bumps growing inside me!!! (thats sounds sooooooo wrong and...just strange.....)

So yer....but I'm still trying to be optimistic....but I did break down earlier, went 4 a walk and its a complicated and upsetting and everything just seems crappy...........

BLA!

I just wish it was next week cos at least....yer...next week will just hopefully be alot better....

i knew things were too good to be true

its annoying, cos i got my new job, and i was supposed2 b going into hospital 4 surgery tommorw and all was looking up...then i got a phone call from the hospital saying there was an patient who needed my slot on thurs so mines been cancelled til nxt thursday which means....ill be in hospital over christmas!! :(

and i havent had my contract sent by my new job
and ive handed in my notice, but cos im not in hospital til nxt week ive got a full week of annoyance from my manager.....yay
(bastard)

and also, i dont know if im gunna be well enough2 start my new job on the set date as ive lost a week of recovery cos im going into hospital later than anticipated...

so all in all im annoyed...and i always say it, things r too good to be true n then something really bad happens...so all in all its gunna be a crap christmas, all i wanted was to be able to eat a good ol' roast dinner on christmas day...now ill be eating hospital food if i can eat at all..... great isnt it....

wow.....im happy but so so scared...

so i didnt get the job i went for at first...someone else had to have less training than me and she got offered the job. but i mustve been second choice cos i got a call on thursday from the recruitment agency saying the company i applied2 work for had been in contact and that the person that they offered the job to has declined!!! soooooo...................they were offering me the job!!! :D :D :D

omg i was soooo happy i nearly cried, i was pacing and jumping and smiling like id never smiled before!!

so all is happy happy until i told my manager yesterday that i was leaving....now my manager is a funny chap...not in the haha sense....hes strange and he was demanding reasons and wanting to know where ill be working etcetc
then he does his usual when something goods happening in my life hes completely pessimistics and tells me this and this and this is definately gunna go wrong...and my lifes guna suck and im guna kill myself kinda overreacting sadness....so yer, i was mad....cos, well no1 hes 54!! he knows that if u get a job offer thats better pay and a nicer environment, YOUR GUNNA GO!!!

and he was all, but ur guna be wrking further away from home, your place of work is practically on ur doorstep and ive wanted that all my life etc etc etc.... and i was sitting there thinking....wait a minute....wait a minute....last time i checked thats not what IVE wanted all my life!!! I dont care where i work as long as its reasonable to get too and im HAPPY!! cos..well, thats wat i want in my life and last time i checked hes my manager not the boss of everything i do!!!"

SO yer, i cant wait til i get outta that hellhole!!! I NEED OUT!
im just worth so much more than that, not just the pay, i need a nicer environment, and where im gunna wrk seems it (anywhere will seem it seeing as where i work is SHITE and gloomy and old fashioned in a sense that no ones redecorated in 18 years!!!!!!

so yer, and when i told my manager i was like, doesnt mean im leaving right now, and that once ive recovered after my op early jan ill come bk in before i start my new job n he was like, well i dnt think the directors will want you to....so there was me thinking well Fuck You! there was me being all nice when i really really REALLY didnt have to!!

so yer!

so then theres my operation thats coming up on thursday...im so scared i really dont know what to do with myself! ive wrapped all my xmas pressies and catagorised them so ppl kno whats going where just in case something happens and im distributing private/inscriminating items i own to certain very trusted friends of mine just incase something happens and i REALLY dont want my family to see them.

I seriously think writing a will is kinda overdoing it plus i think it would be quite a bad omen....so i might not.... :s

so yer.......................................

omg this is not cool!!!

Oh my god!
I just dont even know what to say!

I'm so confused in a good way but its also very very bad!
lol!

grr.....

things could be just so perfect if i knew!

wow...limboness

Ok so everything is sooo baffling right about now...feelings n stuff r flying everywhere when i think about them, but when i chill and let myself relax and enjoy things things dont seem complicated, im just creating problems....

Which is good cos maybe I should stop overanalysing everything.
I'm still scared though, about going into hospital....but shouldnt be too bad considering that ill probs sleep for most of it.

Surgerys scary though...

On a lighter note I did have the most incredible thing happen the other day, Id had an interview and I had met my older brother when hed finished work to get on a train then a bus together. So we jumped on a train, then we missed one bus...so we got on the next one which was pretty empty downstairs except for a couple of people. so we sat at the back, with one man sitting in front of us with his back to us by the door.

So me and my brother were talking about family, and my mums wedding and her dad and then we went onto the subject of men in general and to be honest, the kinda feminist came out in me and so I was talking about how my manager (being the shallow oldfashioned idiot that he is) was going on about how affairs arent such a bad thing especially if you dont have feelings for your husband/wife anymore, and I was like if you dont love a person anymore, why cause so much hurt, why not just end it before things get messy. And I was talking about what I was saying, like, if a guy ever did that to me I'd be outta the door before he knew what hit him, cos if I had kids, I wouldnt want my sons to think thats an acceptable way to treat women, and I wouldnt want my daughters to think its alright for a guy treating them like that.

So me and my bro were talking bout what my father was like, and I was saying how I'd do the same, if I was married to someone who wouldnt mind treating his family the way he did I would have beat his ass so hard n left before he knew what had happened.

So I got on to bitching about my father (as I usually do) and I was going on about how there is only one person in this world I really hate enough to throw stones at and not regret it, and how I wouldnt go to his funeral if he died after all the crap he put me and my family through and how he never showed any remorse and how he'd practically disowned me in public 4 YEARS after my parents had seperated!!!!

So it came to me and my brothers stop and we were still talking bout it all when we got to the door2 get off the bus when my bro said2 me in an undertone 'Look left'.....

So I did....

And the man sitting with his back to us was actually my father i havent seen in about a year....sitting right by the doors, and as I looked at him he looked me in the eye, I saw the recognition as he saw me....

So I had basically bitched and vented all my ill feelings towards the man I call father, and I'd been saying it (literally) to the back of his HEAD!!!!

And OMG the laughter! I laughed all the way home!
I laughed all night!
I'm laughing even now as I'm talking about it!!!

I have to admit, I did feel bad the day after, but then I thought back to all the crap that he put us through...and I thought FUCK HIM!!! He didnt even have the guts to turn around and defend himself the condescending scab!

and then to top it off....My big bro told me something my dad had written in a letter to him after my parents had split... He'd said that he hopes my mum marries a prick and that he rapes her and abuses me!

I mean...firstly, how the hell can anyone wish that on another human being!
Especially the woman he'd married!
Even more so his own daughter, his own flesh and blood!!! He really should be looking out for me and his children and yet he said that out of spite!!!!

So yer...I hate him!

and if he ever reads this I hope he realises that NO MATTER how much damage he had tried to cause, he cannot break me, cos I dont care what he thinks of me, my stepdad has been there for me than what my father ever had!

And at the end of the day its him whos missing out. He missed watching me and my brothers grow up, all the important things, birthdays,christmases, exam results, weddings... and to be completely honest, after all the times I've tried to build a bridge and forgive him, and hes just blame me for it all....He doesnt have a place anywhere in my life!

And if I ever got married, he wont be there, someone worthy will walk me down the aisle, and if I ever have kids, he will never know them, I dont want them to know the pitiful excuse for a human being that is my father.

no more steriods!! wooo

So finally, since being on them since august! I dont have to take steriods anymore! (well, until further notice) which is all good to me!

No more waiting half an hour before i can consider breakfast!
No more having to remember to take them in the first place!
And hopefully all this horrid steroid bulk will leave my body FOREVER!
lol

ive been on them sooo long i cant remember life without them, although i may be put right back on them soon, at least i get a break :)

still it could be worse, but i like these little triumphs!

anywho, i may be regretting it tommorw, when i realise i was on them for a reason lol

wish me luck!

soo....this is how it all begins

Right...so here goes...

Its like this....sometimes your mind is just all over the place, but always stuck at a certain thought...person...thing...it can be anything...and it overcomplicates things sooo much!

So you dont know what to do...its one of those things, you seem confused for ages then all of a sudden it hits you! you know the answer...so you think...'i know ill take control...ill change...ill do this that and the other...and even though it may make things better whether it be in your head...with a certain person....thing...anything...but it only solves the problem for a while...

Then it changes...it gets worse again...you get let down and trod on by people...you feel disappointed in yourself like youre not good enough or something....

And it eats at you for days...weeks...some things even years...

But its ok....you can block it out...i mean you're used to it right? Youve been doing it ever since you can remember....the bad things can be blocked out...

but even if you do that its always guna be at the back of your mind...eating away at your confidence when youre down...

it makes it harder to put that smile back on your face...even when you try really hard...

its so stupid...i hate it when i think and think and think and think...and i try2 make everyone happy, but i never think...i should try2 make myself happy...i mean, i always think i am...but when i try to do things, to change, do this, etc i realise that im not happy....it is just postponing the real problems when i should face them head on...but its scary....

and yer...lol...and that...is my random (long ass bible of a-) thought of the day