Ok so everything is sooo baffling right about now...feelings n stuff r flying everywhere when i think about them, but when i chill and let myself relax and enjoy things things dont seem complicated, im just creating problems....
Which is good cos maybe I should stop overanalysing everything.
I'm still scared though, about going into hospital....but shouldnt be too bad considering that ill probs sleep for most of it.
Surgerys scary though...
On a lighter note I did have the most incredible thing happen the other day, Id had an interview and I had met my older brother when hed finished work to get on a train then a bus together. So we jumped on a train, then we missed one bus...so we got on the next one which was pretty empty downstairs except for a couple of people. so we sat at the back, with one man sitting in front of us with his back to us by the door.
So me and my brother were talking about family, and my mums wedding and her dad and then we went onto the subject of men in general and to be honest, the kinda feminist came out in me and so I was talking about how my manager (being the shallow oldfashioned idiot that he is) was going on about how affairs arent such a bad thing especially if you dont have feelings for your husband/wife anymore, and I was like if you dont love a person anymore, why cause so much hurt, why not just end it before things get messy. And I was talking about what I was saying, like, if a guy ever did that to me I'd be outta the door before he knew what hit him, cos if I had kids, I wouldnt want my sons to think thats an acceptable way to treat women, and I wouldnt want my daughters to think its alright for a guy treating them like that.
So me and my bro were talking bout what my father was like, and I was saying how I'd do the same, if I was married to someone who wouldnt mind treating his family the way he did I would have beat his ass so hard n left before he knew what had happened.
So I got on to bitching about my father (as I usually do) and I was going on about how there is only one person in this world I really hate enough to throw stones at and not regret it, and how I wouldnt go to his funeral if he died after all the crap he put me and my family through and how he never showed any remorse and how he'd practically disowned me in public 4 YEARS after my parents had seperated!!!!
So it came to me and my brothers stop and we were still talking bout it all when we got to the door2 get off the bus when my bro said2 me in an undertone 'Look left'.....
So I did....
And the man sitting with his back to us was actually my father i havent seen in about a year....sitting right by the doors, and as I looked at him he looked me in the eye, I saw the recognition as he saw me....
So I had basically bitched and vented all my ill feelings towards the man I call father, and I'd been saying it (literally) to the back of his HEAD!!!!
And OMG the laughter! I laughed all the way home!
I laughed all night!
I'm laughing even now as I'm talking about it!!!
I have to admit, I did feel bad the day after, but then I thought back to all the crap that he put us through...and I thought FUCK HIM!!! He didnt even have the guts to turn around and defend himself the condescending scab!
and then to top it off....My big bro told me something my dad had written in a letter to him after my parents had split... He'd said that he hopes my mum marries a prick and that he rapes her and abuses me!
I mean...firstly, how the hell can anyone wish that on another human being!
Especially the woman he'd married!
Even more so his own daughter, his own flesh and blood!!! He really should be looking out for me and his children and yet he said that out of spite!!!!
So yer...I hate him!
and if he ever reads this I hope he realises that NO MATTER how much damage he had tried to cause, he cannot break me, cos I dont care what he thinks of me, my stepdad has been there for me than what my father ever had!
And at the end of the day its him whos missing out. He missed watching me and my brothers grow up, all the important things, birthdays,christmases, exam results, weddings... and to be completely honest, after all the times I've tried to build a bridge and forgive him, and hes just blame me for it all....He doesnt have a place anywhere in my life!
And if I ever got married, he wont be there, someone worthy will walk me down the aisle, and if I ever have kids, he will never know them, I dont want them to know the pitiful excuse for a human being that is my father.
Which is good cos maybe I should stop overanalysing everything.
I'm still scared though, about going into hospital....but shouldnt be too bad considering that ill probs sleep for most of it.
Surgerys scary though...
On a lighter note I did have the most incredible thing happen the other day, Id had an interview and I had met my older brother when hed finished work to get on a train then a bus together. So we jumped on a train, then we missed one bus...so we got on the next one which was pretty empty downstairs except for a couple of people. so we sat at the back, with one man sitting in front of us with his back to us by the door.
So me and my brother were talking about family, and my mums wedding and her dad and then we went onto the subject of men in general and to be honest, the kinda feminist came out in me and so I was talking about how my manager (being the shallow oldfashioned idiot that he is) was going on about how affairs arent such a bad thing especially if you dont have feelings for your husband/wife anymore, and I was like if you dont love a person anymore, why cause so much hurt, why not just end it before things get messy. And I was talking about what I was saying, like, if a guy ever did that to me I'd be outta the door before he knew what hit him, cos if I had kids, I wouldnt want my sons to think thats an acceptable way to treat women, and I wouldnt want my daughters to think its alright for a guy treating them like that.
So me and my bro were talking bout what my father was like, and I was saying how I'd do the same, if I was married to someone who wouldnt mind treating his family the way he did I would have beat his ass so hard n left before he knew what had happened.
So I got on to bitching about my father (as I usually do) and I was going on about how there is only one person in this world I really hate enough to throw stones at and not regret it, and how I wouldnt go to his funeral if he died after all the crap he put me and my family through and how he never showed any remorse and how he'd practically disowned me in public 4 YEARS after my parents had seperated!!!!
So it came to me and my brothers stop and we were still talking bout it all when we got to the door2 get off the bus when my bro said2 me in an undertone 'Look left'.....
So I did....
And the man sitting with his back to us was actually my father i havent seen in about a year....sitting right by the doors, and as I looked at him he looked me in the eye, I saw the recognition as he saw me....
So I had basically bitched and vented all my ill feelings towards the man I call father, and I'd been saying it (literally) to the back of his HEAD!!!!
And OMG the laughter! I laughed all the way home!
I laughed all night!
I'm laughing even now as I'm talking about it!!!
I have to admit, I did feel bad the day after, but then I thought back to all the crap that he put us through...and I thought FUCK HIM!!! He didnt even have the guts to turn around and defend himself the condescending scab!
and then to top it off....My big bro told me something my dad had written in a letter to him after my parents had split... He'd said that he hopes my mum marries a prick and that he rapes her and abuses me!
I mean...firstly, how the hell can anyone wish that on another human being!
Especially the woman he'd married!
Even more so his own daughter, his own flesh and blood!!! He really should be looking out for me and his children and yet he said that out of spite!!!!
So yer...I hate him!
and if he ever reads this I hope he realises that NO MATTER how much damage he had tried to cause, he cannot break me, cos I dont care what he thinks of me, my stepdad has been there for me than what my father ever had!
And at the end of the day its him whos missing out. He missed watching me and my brothers grow up, all the important things, birthdays,christmases, exam results, weddings... and to be completely honest, after all the times I've tried to build a bridge and forgive him, and hes just blame me for it all....He doesnt have a place anywhere in my life!
And if I ever got married, he wont be there, someone worthy will walk me down the aisle, and if I ever have kids, he will never know them, I dont want them to know the pitiful excuse for a human being that is my father.
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