I just feel numb...still numb....you know what sucks...the fact that im so happy...theres someone out there...and he knows who he is...and i just cant help feeling like i can actually cope when im around him...cheesy i know...but its better then what i do feel when im alone...when im thinking too much...when i just wish it was me who went...cos i deserve it more....
i just cant cope with those feelings...and no matter how much i try to forget them/ignore them... no matter what i get these stupid thoughts...how long would it take me to drown in this river...etc...and i tell myself im stupid for it...and it makes me feel reckless...and i dont like it...i hate it.
i dunno wat else to say really...i just cant put it all down on paper...maybe one day i will...but some things are too raw atm...
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