Trying to figure out the point..

Im trying to figure out the purpose of me being here...
Im fed up of feeling like this
Im fed up of seeing people i love get hurt.

Theres only so much a person can endure,
and this year has been hard for all.

So im trying to decide if there is a point for this,
and if i actually have a purpose?
If im actually here for a reason?

Because right now...
i feel like a guinea pig...
seeing how much crap one can endure from whoevers supposed to be up there...

Maybe thats it...maybe its because i dont believe there is anyone up there....i want to..

unsure about where this is going

I dont know where this is all going,
I just feel so unsure.

I dont know why im feeling like this,
it just keeps happening.

This feeling of emptiness and uncertainty,
it feels like it eats away away at me.
I can be absolutely fine,
completely happy,
and then one knock to my perfect little life,
one little glitch that throws me off course....

And i feel like this.......

trying to keep it together.....but failing

I actually just cant help it. Feeling so many emotions
felling the loss, feeling angry, hateful, just sad, panicky, anxious, scared, fed up, happy, irritated....

I just completely feel like sometimes im loosing the will to live...like today...its all just built up on top of me. the past couple of days seem like ive been in an emotional rollercoaster, and i cant help it. nothings happened to make me feel like it, its just i cant help thinking, and im thinking bout how angry i am, im thinking bout how i wish it wasnt him who died, i wish it was someone who really deserve it....and i dont wanna think like this anymore, and i dont wanna feel completely lost everyday, but i do....and i want so much more in life. i want the happy...and i get the happy when im with those few people i can just sit with, and not say a thing, cos they know that if i wanted to share it i would...and sometimes i do, but sometimes i just cant...and this weekend i just havent been able to...so ive drank....

and got angry and got upset and cried and today i just cant seem to get this lump outta my throat and these tears wont stop falling...

cos im thinking about how i want more then these bad feelings.
i dont wanna think about how those terrible people who have badly affected my life are walking around and living and ruining other peoples lives, being selfish bastards....and one of the few people ive ever met on this earth has gone....just gone...and i never said goodbye....only see ya later.... it just breaks me

Just too much has happened

I just feel numb...still numb....you know what sucks...the fact that im so happy...theres someone out there...and he knows who he is...and i just cant help feeling like i can actually cope when im around him...cheesy i know...but its better then what i do feel when im alone...when im thinking too much...when i just wish it was me who went...cos i deserve it more....

i just cant cope with those feelings...and no matter how much i try to forget them/ignore them... no matter what i get these stupid thoughts...how long would it take me to drown in this river...etc...and i tell myself im stupid for it...and it makes me feel reckless...and i dont like it...i hate it.

i dunno wat else to say really...i just cant put it all down on paper...maybe one day i will...but some things are too raw atm...

There HAS to be more than this?!?!

I just cant really explain how i feel, i do feel just completely hopeless.
i duno where my confidence has disappeared to in the past 42 hours?!
I just duno what to do...its like im stuck, theres nothing i can do...and there just has to be more to life than this....i just feel like i exist and thats about it...i want to do more than exist, i want to mean something....to someone, to everyone, i just want things to be different.
i dont want to feel like im just floating around this world doing the same thing just on a different day, cos today i just felt just like that...just like i was floating around, just doing my part, just doing whats wanted of me...what about what i want...

WHY am i at a standstill?!
i want things to move forward.

i feel like ive taken one step forward and 2 steps back.....just with everything, my life has just been me taking one step forward and two back...

i just want to keep stepping forward

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